about doubt. his is a steadfast love.

psalm

Self-doubt slays me every day. It’s not a season of doubt that attaches itself to me. It’s perpetual, exhausting, crippling on a daily basis. One of my biggest doubts is writing. Sometimes, writing here is hard for me. There are so many voices out there. In my real life, I listen more than I speak. I’d rather be in the background of everything and anything.

When people tell someone else I am a blogger, I feel very self-conscious.

I love to write. I love to encourage. I love to offer hope. This space in not about me. It’s about your voices, and all the people and places who make such an enormous difference in the lives of others. That is how I reconcile my doubts.

 

Even if I fail, I hope I am still making a difference.

Even in my trying, I am still able to offer hope.

Coming into this new year, I was already on my knees. Another reason why kneel is such a good word for About Proximity.

I’ve been staying up too late at night; worrying, doubting, staring at piles of laundry. In some weird moment of grace I came across this quote, by Heath Ledger of all people, that perfectly sums up how I feel about all this.

It’s kind of a rule of thumb for me to self-doubt going into any kind of project. I always think that I shouldn’t be doing it and I don’t know how to do it and I’m going to fail and that I fooled them. I always try to find a way out.

Heath Ledger 

And then this because all to often I hold back,

If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.”

Yann Martel, Life of Pi

And this… 

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

This is what I can do… hold close to God in faith. His is a steadfast love, despite my weakness in doubt.

Where does doubt seep into your life? How do you rest in God’s steadfast love in the midst of self-doubt? 

Oh How He Loves

how he loves

I am a doubter.

I am a worrier.

I am an obsessor.

 

Sometimes I forget…

under the weight of responsibility

under the drive of dreams

under my inadequacies

 

I asked Ellie and Josiah to take out the trash and recycling for me. When I returned to the kitchen, Josiah stood on the counter cranking the window open.

“What are you doing, why aren’t you helping Ellie?” I asked.

“I am helping Mom, I’m watching her,” he replied.

Helping is not just watching from a distance. Distance is not proximity.

 

The last year of writing has at times been difficult.  Sometimes behind the computer screen, I felt too alone with worries. I felt the heaviness of doubt. I still feel it. I knew that I needed a better balance. The closed doors have been remarkable, one right after another.

Then the answer came, when I least expected it.

I will be going back to school this year. My children’s school. I will be working in a role where I am able to encourage and support, the very thing that I love the most. Peace settled over me, my balance. This gift will anchor me to the world around me and only deepen my writing of that I am certain. I won’t be looking out the window… I will be in proximity.

 

I have a friend that has been in an in-between time like me. She knew about all my closed doors and my doubt. I sent her an email- you are never going to believe this…

Only she did, oh how he loves you Lisa. 

Those words. The words I did not think of.

He loves me. He loved me enough to make me wait, to wait for what was perfect. It leaves me broken to think of it.

 

I share this because it’s how he feels about you. No matter how alone, broken, scared, or defiant you feel. Oh, how he loves you.

I hope you feel this when you read About Proximity.

Oh, how he loves you.

Oh, how he loves when you place yourself in proximity to his people.

 

Has God ever surprised you with his love? Or are you in a desert time? How can we pray?