about doubt. his is a steadfast love.

psalm

Self-doubt slays me every day. It’s not a season of doubt that attaches itself to me. It’s perpetual, exhausting, crippling on a daily basis. One of my biggest doubts is writing. Sometimes, writing here is hard for me. There are so many voices out there. In my real life, I listen more than I speak. I’d rather be in the background of everything and anything.

When people tell someone else I am a blogger, I feel very self-conscious.

I love to write. I love to encourage. I love to offer hope. This space in not about me. It’s about your voices, and all the people and places who make such an enormous difference in the lives of others. That is how I reconcile my doubts.

 

Even if I fail, I hope I am still making a difference.

Even in my trying, I am still able to offer hope.

Coming into this new year, I was already on my knees. Another reason why kneel is such a good word for About Proximity.

I’ve been staying up too late at night; worrying, doubting, staring at piles of laundry. In some weird moment of grace I came across this quote, by Heath Ledger of all people, that perfectly sums up how I feel about all this.

It’s kind of a rule of thumb for me to self-doubt going into any kind of project. I always think that I shouldn’t be doing it and I don’t know how to do it and I’m going to fail and that I fooled them. I always try to find a way out.

Heath Ledger 

And then this because all to often I hold back,

If Christ spent an anguished night in prayer, if He burst out from the Cross, ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ then surely we are also permitted doubt. But we must move on. To choose doubt as a philosophy of life is akin to choosing immobility as a means of transportation.”

Yann Martel, Life of Pi

And this… 

The only limit to our realization of tomorrow will be our doubts of today. Let us move forward with strong and active faith.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

 

This is what I can do… hold close to God in faith. His is a steadfast love, despite my weakness in doubt.

Where does doubt seep into your life? How do you rest in God’s steadfast love in the midst of self-doubt? 

14 thoughts on “about doubt. his is a steadfast love.

  1. When you say that you are self conscious when people refer to you as a blogger, is that because you are afraid that you won’t match their expectations of what a blogger is? My degree has a lofty title, I am always reluctant to tell people what it is, preferring to say, “I studied theology”. One of the benefits of study is that you learn how much you don’t know!

    • Maybe, or that I didn’t ever see myself doing this. Or just that I worry ALOT! 🙂 You do know much, I have that book to mail you still. I want to hear your perspective so much.

  2. Oh, Lisa, this was needed this morning. I have two posts I’m working on and when the words simply will not come I begin to be filled with doubt again. I’ve been asked to be part of two different communities this past week and last night I went to bed full of doubt of my ability to contribute. But…my doubt… it always brings me to a place of remembering how desperately I need Him. Staying close to Him is the only way I’m able to keep moving forward.
    I hope one day we can meet. I’m thinking we’d get along so well!
    Blessings,
    Beth

    • I love your words of encouragement. It would be wonderful to meet, I think we would get along so well 🙂 I’m praying for you when doubt seeps in. Keeping focused would be hard for me in your place of waiting. I think people see your vulnerable faith and your kindness and are drawn to your words. You contribute so very much.

  3. Self-doubt used to plague me, until I realized something – that what I’;m doing is what I’m supposed to be doing. I do the best I can, and the, to paraphrase St. Paul, having done all,. I let it stand. If people like it, fine. If they don’t, fine. This stuff – all of it – is for God.

    And I have a mantra that I repeat every morning, and whenever I feel doubt creeping in:

    I can beat any man in any land at any game that he can name for any amount that he can count

    Works for me. Dude, I’m a Child of God.

    Ducemus! (Latin – we lead!)

  4. It’s easy to doubt yourself with writing because it feels so vulnerable and when people don’t like or connect with what you are saying, it almost feels as if they don’t like you. I always get self-concious when people find out I write. I bet 98% of people I work with have no idea. Weird to have such a big part of me hidden. I’m sure it’s something I need to work on.

    But YOU! Do not doubt. You have already taken such big steps to show how brave you are. Yep, yep.

  5. I doubt myself all the time – and then I freeze up and stop putting myself ‘out there’. I hate that. I want to be in a place where I live in God’s grace, and have humble strength. Someday….

  6. I think this applies to writing and life in general for me. I just had a realization that if I’ve been vulnerable with someone in life then I feel like it’s completely okay for them to be privy to any writing, but if not, it almost feels reckless in a way. Unless it’s a stranger, which probably makes no sense at all. Writing is so personal. I guess there’s a balance? I’m growing in this! I feel like this risk stuff is helping and it’s good to share what is important, what God lays on our hearts.

  7. Pingback: his understanding | About Proximity

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