Equidistant Disquietude.

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Equidistant Disquietude.

I like the way different words combine together can give clear picture into your heart.

The thesaurus is an exciting place for me to visit, nerdy I know.

 

I am feeling equidistant disquietude right now.

Equidistant means equally distant. I am feeling equally distant disquietude.

 

Another school year has found completion. My kids are with me now. I have to admit that I really love that time, but I also feel fragmented. Though that has been the case this year it protrudes even more during the summer; am I reading books or writing an article? Do I play tennis when they ask or do I revise a chapter of my manuscript?  I want to be a good Mom, but I also don’t want to overdo my presence when they are learning independence.

How do you all balance this? The roles we play as wife, Mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, career, servant of Christ?

Sometimes it all feels equally distant to me, like I am doing everything, but only half good. This is where the disquietude and guilt seep into my thoughts.

 

My senior year in high school, I found disappointment. Around the time we graduated, a close friend told me that I had changed a lot that year. How so, I asked? Worried in my people pleasing ways that somehow it had been a bad change. Just in your disappointment, you have grown deeper. 

Yes, my friend was right. Somehow the disquietude had deepened who I was.

Now, when I feel that disquietude and equidistant feeling I remember the word deep.

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I remember deep in the context of digging deep. I need to go someplace deep inside me that is hard to access sometimes.

That place where you put others before yourself again and again, in faith that God sees. Not to be re-payed, but to remain faithful. A place that no matter how fragmented you feel in your roles, one thing remains the strongest your faithfulness to those who love you and your love for God. This place where you kneel.  This place is the most important place to be.

kneel

Do you know that place that is hard to get to sometimes? How do you get there? How do you balance on the tightrope of life? 

12 thoughts on “Equidistant Disquietude.

  1. Hi Lisa,
    Your book arrived today but I don’t know when I’ll be able to read it! This month is super busy for me! I will though. I will. And I’ll devour it. And I’ll probably write you a big long letter about what I thought about it! May Christ tie all your fragments together! xx

    • I will look forward to your letter! And I hope you laugh a lot because she is funny! I’m praying that Christ ties all your fragments together too as you do your good work for him 🙂

  2. I don’t believe in quality time without quantity time and I have never seen another woman who can “do it all”; career, wife, household, and children. With three teens I’ve regretted working too much too often, but I’ve never regretted giving up everything else to spend time with them. I just gave up an opportunity to work 7 minutes from home in a huge office space making good money at a job I would love, because several of my work days would be evenings and my youngest has three years of high school left and plays two sports. I’m not willing to miss it.

  3. This is a gorgeous post, Lisa. I’ve had quite the disquiet in my life lately–ALL good stuff, though. So it’s not a bad disquiet…just a busy, slightly stressful disquiet. But mornings continue to be my place of rest…those first 20-30 minutes of the day when it’s just me and God. It really does make all the difference.

    • Oh, I can imagine with your publishing date drawing near 🙂 I need to do better with some morning time just God and me. Thanks for reminding me that starting your day this way is really the best… everything else seems to fall into place when you take that time.

  4. Hmm.. tough question. I don’t know! Thanks for this post though, it’s good to be reminded that we’re all just in this messy thing called life together.

  5. (I love it that you look up these big words and make my brain think really hard 🙂 ) I have also felt very unbalanced lately in life, and I am hoping that by spending time seeking out God I will find that balance naturally. Ideally, I’d love to go through my day by his leading. Like I’m about to sit down and watch tv and I hear his whisper in my heart that I should play with my kids… I want to listen to that. Or that whisper when He tells me that I need a little time to myself, I want to listen to that too. Staying in the vine – that is my goal.

    • Great goal! Me too, sometimes its really hard to listen to that one voice. I want to keep trying! I think I become much more calm and less uptight when that happens!

  6. Lisa, what a beautiful post. You have a gift for sharing encouraging transparency. I know the struggle you describe of God’s girl, wife, mom, friend, involved in women’s ministry at church. I can’t keep it all balanced. When I don’t get to do a little of what I want to do in a day (usually sit down with my characters), I get a little grouchy.

    Having that daily time with Jesus gives me perspective. When I feel disquieted, I usually journal. This brings me to those deeper places and opens them up for Jesus to speak His truth over and restore His peace within me.

  7. (I like to sit down with my characters too 🙂 Daily time to draw close to Jesus is such a great reminder. Why do I always forget this? Every time though, that peace is restored. Thanks for your encouragement friend.

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